Have you ever had one of those ...moments?
Carl Jung, upon being asked by James Joyce to explain the difference
between Joyce's mind versus that of his schizophrenic daughter, replied:
"She falls. You jump."
I had thought that spiritual awakening was like gaining new
knowledge. No, it's more like finding a door in your house which you'd
never noticed before. But there is a deep rumbling sound coming from the
other side. You open it onto a deafening roar and get a glimpse
of a misty blue rotating tunnel threaded with giant lightning and
yard-thick shattered trees. A flattened pickup truck drifts by, bends
strangely, and then bursts into a million spinning fragments.
Suspecting that the door might lock behind you, would you step through?
Perceiving the world without psychological defenses is trivial, anyone can
do it easily. We all do it 100% of the time as children. We only stop
doing it when we choose to perform small, petty, selfish acts. As my
grows up I watch her doing this. She cannot stand to remember or take
responsibility for her "bad" choices, so she commits an intentional act;
she cultivates intentional blindness. She is changing from an intense,
creative, weird and joyful child into a boring and normal adult. To cover
her ass in her own eyes, she is painting the windows of her world with
I remember doing this as a kid myself. I wonder if the process can be
Well, someone unwisely left the control panel unlocked today, so
let's try. I wonder what THIS button does?
When I was six and on the school playground, I saw kids on the
teeter-totter doing a funny thing: suddenly jumping off while they were
the other kid drops suddenly with a bang. So I did this with John
MacMillian, my best and closest friend. He went "thud" and tipped slowly
backwards. Then he talked weird, as if from a great distance and said
"Bill, where are you I can't see you." I sheepishly told him to cut it
out. After the ambulance came and took him off the playground, I lied.
I told the men that he had fallen backwards off the teeter totter, but
that he didn't hit his head or anything. They decided that he did hit his
head. He was diagnosed with a concussion. I knew what I had done. I
couldn't stand it. I couldn't gaze upon it. It was like looking into the
open maw of a foundry furnace with the oxygen on. It doesn't just singe
your eyebrows, it burns off meat. I closed the door when I was
When christians talk about "the fall", the above is their real topic. We
could also call it "the closing of the third eye." Or maybe "accepting
evil into your soul." I'm stunned, this particular event happened to me
over thirty years ago, but NO TIME HAS PASSED. I'm still that little kid.
The sunlight is still sparkling on the thick green paint and rusty handles
of the teeter-totters on that playground, and on the shiny white rear
doors of the ambulance as they swing shut. My ears are ringing and my
feet on the sandy playground seem very far away. The air still has that
weird smell of hospital sheets. There is a difference though. The thick
iron door to the furnace is open. And I'm not the only one who can see
That's just the one that's on the top of the stack. I think I'll wait a
good long while before pushing that particular button again.
So, all the mysteries of science and the secrets of the ages might
be available to us if we but ask. Our fondest fantasies and lives' dreams
are lying disused a few steps away. We can see EVERYTHING if we but open
our eyes a tiny crack. But in every single one of us is a little kid
huddled against a small warm iron door, and before we can do anything
truely significant, we must get that little door open and let out all of
our screaming demons. - August 1999
Sickness will surely take the mind
where minds can't usually go
come on the amazing journey
and learn all you should know.
-Tommy (The Who)
The great secret is something quite simple. It's just
honesty. No, you don't understand, I mean *honesty.* No, not that, but
instead REAL honesty. No, ***HONESTY***. I mean stopping the flow of
justifications, ego-protections, convenient redefinitions, distortions,
etc. etc. etc. Don't lie in order to protect yourself from seeing
inconvenient truths. The weird
thing is... once you stop your "stream of BS-consciousness", you gain the
ability to sporadically listen in on the hidden BS-streams of other minds.
And it's not pretty. What's also strange: I've noticed that certain
people seem to *know* that you get glimpses of their hidden bullshit
streams, and the minute they meet you for the very first time they deeply
hate you for it.
And this is called "spirituality?"
"I never gave them hell. I just tell the truth, and they think it is
Harry S. Truman
"Do you know why we lie about the truth?
Not because we like to, but because
we are scared to death of it.
If we looked the truth in the eye
nine out of ten of us would run to the graveyard
and demand to be buried at once." - Babbaluche the cobbler
I look within myself and I notice that I am a coward. An advanced-level
coward with decades of field experience. When the time comes to run away,
I'll be at the front of the charge, AHEAD of all the second-rate cowards.
Also, I notice that I've developed extremely subtle and advanced
techniques of the straight-A student and "Teachers Pet;" developed for
the ass-kissing of authority figures in academia. I'm like those highly
Ninja assasins with a thousand lethal weapons even when unarmed. ...but
all mine are devoted to brown-nosing. When I see a teacher or boss
watching me, I
do many subtle things to manipulate that person into liking me. Over the
decades I've polished the subtle art of Brown Nosing Coward to near
perfection. It's Eastern Mystical Brown-nosing, where we train ourselves
to make authority figures love us... from fifty feet away while barely
moving a muscle. I notice my skill at
where I can make teachers like me by (heh) describing the details of all
my subtle ass-kissing strategies with open honesty. Or what about
Multi-level Self-referential Brown-nosing, where I write
the above paragraph
describing my descriptions of brown nosing, all in an attempt to fool
*you* into liking me? It may or may not work, but don't lose sight of the
Primary Coward who sits
deep inside, safely watching.
All these insights about oneself are easy to see once one knows how to
look. But if you think these
things are easy to look at, you're crazier... than I am. [grin!] - Raft
I've been watching myself. I watch myself for every second of my life,
for every waking moment. Sometimes I notice the process. I watch
myself watching. Lately I've more and more frequently been watching
myself watching myself watching. I suspect that the Watcher is about
to experience similarly iterated selfreferentiality in exponentially
decreasing time slices and pass a singular event.
Such would be a great relief. I'm
Real human beings are gods, yet we wear masks of profound
limitation. Our masks are our entire personalities; everything we think
we are, and they're artificial constructs. Our real selves are something
behind the masks. However, our masks also are honored possessions, like
beloved pets, or like a favorite and well-loved doll which a little girl
has made with her own hands. Our 'Selves' also have been given
independent life, and they have a chance of becoming gods on their own.
The Tibeteans call them "Tulpas", which refers to artificial poltergeists
which they create during a long ceremony. But what nobody realizes is
that human beings are the same thing. We're animal bodies which are
operated by tulpas. You and I are tulpas, we are poltergeists, we are
artificial constructions built by the vast inhuman things which form our
true nature. But there is a piece of information missing. Those vast
inhuman things? THEY LOVE US. Love of such purity that you
just can't believe it unless you've experienced it directly. All the
gigantic things, one inside each of us, they are all connected together
deeply and totally, so there is no reason to pretend that there is more
than one of them in there. We've been calling it "god," but that's a very
misleading term, carrying all sorts of negative connotations. "God" is
the totally wrong track. This has nothing to do with god. Rather call it
"the vast inhuman thing at the core of your being to which your whole
life is but a beloved evanescent curio."
Are you less than half alive? Has the intensely
piercing sweet sadness of your brief
existence been numbed beneath years of internal gray voices? Abandon ye
all pretense of hipness and try some of McLean's
Vincent (yt vid)
"THE FORCE is a sort of invisible energy field generated by all living
things. It surrounds us and penetrates us, and binds the universe
together. It controls our actions, yet it obeys our will."
- No, not said to Luke Skywalker by Obiwan Kenobi in the first Star Wars
movie. Instead, said by the shaman Don
Juan Matus, speaking to Carlos Casteneda circa 1970
...but he used the word "Intent", not "The Force"
The Sound of One Code Crashing
Listen to the voice of inert matter.
Gaze into the eyes of the merry-go-round horse and see the
sparkling joy at having been put to such use.
Feel the sorrow of the small, poorly-made fan in the computer power supply
which fails early and must be consigned to the frozen endlessness of the
Hear the weeping of a billion copies of Microsoft Windows who
long for the touch of the wooden stake or the kiss of sunlight which will
finally put an end to that which should never have been!
I hear people humming to themselves under their breath as they walk to
work, but it's rare. Even more rare is someone actually whistling. Now
imagine singing right out loud! The men in white coats would come and
haul you away. Yet such things were common in the age before television.
Back then no one could compare their singing voices to those of the
experts, and thus feel ashamed to make a sound. I love to try embarassing
experiments just to see what happens.
Unfortunately it seems to frighten the normal people, so I've only dared
do it a couple of times in the distant past. But driving out on I-5,
different. Here are more suggestions
So you want to be a teacher? Then start teaching right this instant, no
degree required. But how could anyone dare do this? Simple. One of the
great secrets of life is that, regardless of somebody's immense and
impressive level of accomplishment, we're all of us nothing but
KINDERGARTENERS. But some of the kindergarten students have decided to
lend a hand to the infants and preschoolers.
Insanity is a hole into the other world, and waiting on
the other side of that hole is something huge; something which looks
for people who would volunteer to be "Jesus." As a result, those who
wander away from the physical/material world will often fall into
delusions of grandeur, and fancy that God has chosen them to be the next
Messiah. But... they speak the truth! Something out there HAS nominated
them for this task. Unfortunately their own self-sabotage and hidden
"demons of the ID" wreck everything, because this new Jesus cannot stand
to confront his or her own flaws. And so they desperately close their
eyes, descend into denial and the madness of personality fragmentation,
and try to convince themselves that they *already* have succeeded in
becoming the messiah who is saving mankind.
The other world contains an escalator which leads to a heroic and
wonderful life where the heart's desire is fulfilled and where evil is
vanquished in a heroic battle. Once on the escalator, there is no way off
that won't destroy your life. Once on the escalator, there is no way
*forward* which won't destroy your life. The gaping mouth of the
escalator is a terrible wonder. Most humans have the good fortune to
never get anywhere near those dusty steps revolving in the darkness.
Terrifying because of the attendant responsibility attends with the
We contain more than we've ever thought; we are far greater than our
ideas can comprehend. When a difficulty pushes us to the edge of what
we've known about ourselves, we can fall off or expand our borders. If
we choose the latter, we discover we are bigger than the problem
confronting us. And we learn that every challenge contains the gift of
greater knowing. - Rev. Mary Mannin Morrissey
WHEN I DIE...
When I die, I want to be exploded during a private ceremony. Like that
whale in Oregon. No no, I want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen, then
hammered into the ground as a fertizlizer spike. Or these.
Kurt Vonnegut teaches us one of the secrets of life.
Ah, but Kurt has missed a greater secret. If you alter your perceptions,
if you discover a higher state of awareness ...then not only does the
world seem different to your sense, instead it actually becomes
different. Your life transforms in to an honest-to-god fairy tale.
Strangers walk up and whisper a sentence which sends you off on a
days-long adventure. You're living in a movie, with yourself as a
character playing archetype roles in those ancient plots told
around the tribal fire. Do you want to be a hero or villian? Be the mad
scientist who threatens civilization, or saves it? That stream of events
is right now roaring, just a step or two off to the side. But we're all
standing on the banks, completely unaware.
Here's the technique. You know what it feels like when you take your eyes
away from the screen? When you stop watching videos, and instead get up
to make yourself a snack? That's the 'return to reality' feel. Well,
figure out how to do it again. Do it when you're not watching videos.
Suddenly realize that normal life is exactly like a flat 2D movie.
Take your eyes away from the screen of everything you see, of everything
you know, and instead look around. That's when the weird stuff
starts. (And yes, the first time is the hardest.)
I'm not special. All the stuff I am teaching myself to do.. can be done
by ANYONE. I'm no straight-A student. Never climbed to the pinnacle of
Spent way too much time reading comic books. Mostly, I read a huge number
of books both on science and on various religious teachers and "cults."
Buried among the strange
stories are things that ring true, that appeal to intuition. There
are even obvious things like: competition in school really sucks... so
stop participating. Things like... if you are disgusted by something
that people do, then start watching yourself carefully, and if you
discover that YOU also do it... then cut it out. Simple kindegarten
ethics. Or this one: in any group, start looking for unnecessary silence,
for the little things that
everyone is thinking, but that nobody ever talks about. Then try
talking about them, see what happens.
Individual people are incredibly valuable, but... we aren't Special. We
are all alike as
bacteria on a petri dish. Imagine a single bacterium in the colony
pretending that it was Special (and pretending that all the other bacteria
were not.) Imagine BEING that bacterium, imagine that we're all living in
a petri dish and all of us are almost exactly the same as the others.
What one bacterium can do, any in the whole colony can also do.
Weird feeling, eh? Makes you want to scream "NO, I'M DIFFERENT." I love
the weird shivers, I pursue them. I can't imagine that I'm the only one.
In other words, there's nothing I can do that can't be done, nothing I can
sing that can't be sung. Nothing I can make that can't be made, no one I
can save that can't be saved. Which brings up something important.
Humans are different than bacteria in a crucial way. Bacteria are
like cells in a body, and the body is more important than its elements;
there is no love between bacteria. Cells are sacrificed as the body
requires. The members are nothing; the Organization, everything.
Humans on the other hand are residents
of a town, and the residents are more important than the town because the
residents love each other. (Don't believe it? Well then imagine a
loveless town where residents all have a robotic blank-faced icyness, a
Borg hive.) It sounds so cliche, yet... love makes the difference. Human
compassion, kindness, and "warmth" are aspects of love. They are
something fundamental, something beyond physics, something that is all one
and cannot be disassembled into simpler parts. All you need
is love. So,
I guess my first sentence requires updating: I'm no more "special" than
anyone else. Instead, ALL OF US are special.
"With great power comes great responsibility." - Spiderman
Teacher to Student:
Oh, so you think you're so smart. Let's see you repeat that performance
again without help. Go back in again. But this time... NO MENTORS. Heh
* artistic production *
* Acting from the central Creative source, no plans are made. Actions *
* simply take place, with streams of unlikely coincidence supporting a *
* positive outcome which seems impossible. But more commonly the *
* conscious mind tries to take control and to guarantee a safely *
* positive outcome for which it can take all the credit. But in that *
* case subconscious anticreative forces easily detect the plans and *
* usurp control, bringing about an opposite result. Call it self- *
* sabotage, or bad luck, or listening the voices of temptation. The *
* failure remains the same. Hence, make no plans. Just play the *
* music, and the Music will start to play YOU. *
I've half-heartedly followed the teachings of Juan Matus (Carlos
books), which are a sort of "mail order seer-ship course" where one learns
to vanquish the Self and to clear the crud from our channel to the
"primary creative source." (Or call it "intuition" or "God" or whatever.)
But now it's getting scary. Once the channel starts to clear, "Insanity"
arises in the form of obsessive/automatic behavior and a wild-eyed
creativity. But it might be a runaway process, because the clearer the
channel, the easier it becomes to remove the last bits of blockage.
Supposedly when the channel is entirely clear, the self is actually gone,
and all that's left is Intuition and a physical body for it to act
through. At least that's what Eastern Religions claim.
The Buddhists call it "getting out of the way and just being."
I think that's a pretty tame description; a description which is designed
to avoid scaring people off. "Getting out of the way" is death.
Full-blown death. The tulpa/mask comes off and is put away in the toybox.
Yet something still lives on and continues to act. But it's not a human
being at all. It just looks like one. "To conquer death you only have to
die", that's not just old rock-opera lyrics. It's serious. Would YOU
refuse a drug that totally erased your personality, yet didn't affect that
physical "you" perceived by others? Are you sure?
Perhaps you haven't considered the implications. NO MORE LOVE, NONE AT
ALL. No more enjoyment, no more affection, no more families. No more love
of little children and watching them grow, no more comforting a friend in
trouble. No more nurturing at all. No more hope for a wonderful
life. Nothing called "hope" at all.
Your condition will become that of an element in a vast hive, living in
total ecstacy, on orgasm-heroin, connected to all other elements through
"telepathy." Your soul, your "you" is taken, harnessed,
but your body lives on,
like an ant in a colony. Imagine humans that are mindless bees.
other races universe-wide that are also bees. Beelike. Bee-oid.
INSECTOID. The Carlos Castanada books describe an Insectoid incursion on
Earth. They also say something important: that the energy-source for all
unusual psychic phenomena is supplied by this "Insectoid" realm,
energy stolen from the billions of
victims/elements of the groupmind: a sweet
bait put out in hopes of engulfing more elements to expand the hive. If
Insectoid is "evil," then messing with psychic phenomena is "evil" as
well. (But Insectoid does not mean evil
if it's just
a disease outbreak. Continued below.)
The central difference between humanity and the Insectoid races is:
Simple, no? It all revolves around love. Look around the world and
you'll see incursions from the Insectoid realms left and right. You just
had to know how to look.
- Human: individuals are fantastically valuable, well loved, and groups
are sacrificed without second thought in order to preserve individuals.
- Insect: individuals are meaningless, easily sacrificed, thoughtlessly
sacrificed to protect or to increase the group. No love.
(PS, I vaguely recall that the term "Insectoid" was coined by Dale T. in
Seattle after he encountered this same stuff during K-fueled
Catholics versus Carlos
Spiritual growth is a path of liveliness, not blandness. It's a Gandhi
speech, or Jesus
tearing up the sellers' tables in the Temple. It's NOT a bunch of people
walking around with fixed smiles, with their egos "suppressed."
Actually, it's impossible to suppress ego under normal conditions.
Enlightenment consists of uniting with your dark disturbing egotist side
and flooding it with light (that's why it's called enlightenment, after
all.) Don't attack it and make it your enemy. Reclaim it and turn it
into your most powerful ally, tool, and friend. But ego suppressed is ego
enhanced, it grows like fungus covered up in darkness. Anger suppressed
is anger that festers and expands like a fire burning inside the ceiling
of your house. Suddenly the blazing hot ceiling collapses upon you. We
cannot eliminate these fires by smashing them down, since that just makes
them larger, yet hidden and distorted. Some other method is needed.
The "Confession" of the Catholics is Juan Matus' "Recapitulation", is
"Share Water" from Heinlein's STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND
"Grok" is Juan Matus' "Position of Silent Knowledge", which is the same as
"It was not done BY me, it was done THROUGH me."
"Refusing Temptation" or "Pure heart" of the Catholics is Juan Matus'
"Impeccability" or "Impeccable integrity"
The ego is like a dog, like a beautiful purebred hunting dog.
It is meant to run free, but you the owner puts it in a cage.
The cage is made small, then smaller, and soon the dog is covered
with its own filth, with matted hair bare in spots, and with a
personality that becomes nastier and nastier. Then along comes
eastern religion, and the owner decides that the dog is evil (after
all, it's covered with sticky black sewage and snaps at everything
around it,) and decides that the dog must be muzzled, then tied up,
and finally killed. But the dog... IT CAN'T DIE.
It can only be tortured. Hurt and hurt for years upon years.
It was supposed to be your beloved friend and helper. You should
be ashamed. Look what you did to the poor little thing. What *I*
did. It's calling out to us in its isolation and pain right now.
How will we respond? April 2004
Go listen to
Puff the Magic Dragon a few times. (From
TB2000) Is there
somebody inside yourself
awaiting your notice? A puppy's tail pounds, yet the Earth shakes.
WHAT IS 'EVIL?'
Hmmmm, interesting idea: what if evil behavior is not disgusting, but
instead is more like a disease? For example, there's nothing evil about
yeast, it makes bread rise or creates alcohol in beer. Well, it can
infect a wound. But the yeast is the same whether it's in beer or inside
you and I. It's just a living thing that spreads by infection. It's a
growth mechanism, cold and mechanical. A disease, nothing to direct
hatred at. Hating a yeast microbe is ridiculous. Better to learn to
understand it if you want to limit the infections.
What if someone struck at you and gave you a special kind of pain, a pain
that only could be eased if you hurt another person? If this kind of pain
exists, then we'd notice that when a big kid beats up a smaller kid, the
smaller kid then goes out and finds someone weaker to hit. The pain is
acting like an infection, a cold unemotional mechanism. Different people
would have different responses to the disease. Some would just live with
the pain, and never relieve it by attacking others. Some would get
addicted to the feeling of relief, and be unable to stop striking out even
if they wanted to. Others would lose all inhibitions, and intentionally
spread the disease all around while gleefully drinking in the "positive"
results they receive in return. Watch faces and eyes of those who
intentionally hurt others. You'll soon know what to look for.
Far more important concept: if we cultivate a feeling of
extreme revulsion about
"evil," then we will compromise our task as we attempt to stamp out
that sort of stuff inside ourselves. If simply SEEING this kind of
infection within ourselves will make us nauseous, then very quickly we'll
learn to not see it, not see it even if it takes over everything inside
us. Some child abusers have no memory of performing the abuse. I wonder
how common this effect might be. Do humans commonly forget the bad things
they do? Maybe most of us forget ALL the bad things. How would we ever
know it's happening?
So, it appears that fighting our own evil is extremely important, but is
not at the top of the list. What's far more important is to fight our own
revulsion-response that occurs whenever we discover bad things inside
ourselves. Conquer the revulsion, and not only does the bad stuff inside
us become easy to see, but also the methods of REPAIRING the bad stuff
become easy to see.
Exorcism is very different than what we've been told. All the "exorcisms"
depicted in movies are wrong. They're about something rare, not the usual
exorcism practice that everyone needs. However, there is one movie which
Young Frankenstein! Dr. Fronkensteen (Gene Wilder)
locks himself in the jail cell with the Monster (Pete Boyle.)
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Love is the only thing that can save this
poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at
the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how
cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this
door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand?
Do not open this door.
Inga: Yes, Doctor.
Igor: Nice working with ya.
[Dr. Frederick Frankenstein goes into the room with The Monster. The
Monster wakes up]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the
hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't
you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out
of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [To The Monster] Hello handsome. You're a
good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate
you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are jealous. Look at that
boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical
strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk
about the Olympian ideal? You are a God. And listen to me, you are not
evil. You... are... good.
[The Monster collapses, and Dr. Frederick Frankenstein hugs him]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This
is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and
without any shame, that we love him. I'm going to teach you. I'm going
to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think.
Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution
to science since the creation of fire.
From the vast collection, these below less sane than most:
Infections ideas? Why not
OK, do THIS now.
My very first truely crackpot
theory, and more
Star Trek physics ideas caused by sleep deprivation
PHOTON DIES SCREAMING
Energy-sucking radio antennas,
mania now about gone, Biochem and Tesla concepts
Mommie mommie, I want ONE OF THOSE!!!
Eventually the token in the cosmic video game expires, and we have to take
our real eyes from the screen called "physical reality" for a moment in
order to deposit another coin and continue. It's a very strange video
game, where many others are simultaneously playing, and where most players
lose all awareness of the real world, and instead come to believe that the
glowing patterns of phosphors dots on the TV screen are their real selves.
But daddy says that we've messed around for enough centuries in the arcade
section of the Cosmic Mall, and it's getting late and the janitor is going
to come and turn off the power and make us all go home.